Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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