Barsexuality is the new black.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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