quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
