I'm gonna have a badass scar
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
