We're like a lot better than the average bears
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
