mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
