roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
