It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
