Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
