So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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