We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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