I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
