I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
