It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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