dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
