Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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