After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
