So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I will pee on everything he values.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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