i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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