Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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