you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
