I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
