Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
