So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Drunk is a universal language darling
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
