The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
