Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I want her autograph on my taint
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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