i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
