By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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