Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Is it because I queefed?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
