Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
