if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
