so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
