Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
