The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
