on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
