we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
