So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
