i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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