Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
