Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
