I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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