How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
