I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
