You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
