Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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