I think I died a long time ago.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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