I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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