did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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