Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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