Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
