I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
